Sometimes it puzzles me where the songs I write come from.  I mean, I know they came from God of course, but I often wonder how on earth He can use me to deliver these songs.  I remember once years ago talking to a woman who I knew and loved about some of the stuff I was struggling with.  I told her how I felt like I had very little faith…and sometimes like I had none at all for some of the things God had said to me.  She looked at me and said: “Katy, your prayers and songs are so filled with faith…I think it’s very clear that how you feel is not in reality how you are.”  Wow.  That really made me think.

I was driving in the car a few weeks ago (often the place I have the most peace and quiet in my life at this point!), and this phrase started echoing in my brain:  “I trust in You, when the troubled waters rise.  I trust in You, You are always on my side.”  While I was singing this piece to the yet-to-be finished song, I remembered a time in my life not so long ago when I was very, very low.  It was a time when I didn’t feel like I had any faith to speak of at all.  My conversations with God were mostly like the parts of the Psalms where David is questioning God about where He went and why He had left him to die.  I’d like to say that my conversations were as eloquent but they were a lot less “psalm-y” and more like me just having a panic attack.  Every day was boiled down to me making a decision to hang on to Him regardless of everything that I was feeling and everything that was going on around me.  And it wasn’t pretty.  It sure didn’t look like trust in God.

I tend to be driven a lot by feelings…a lot more than I should be.  Fear and anxiety and impatience have been frequent driving forces in my life, instead of things like faith and peace and all those good fruits.  It always amazes me however to realize that feelings aren’t really what God is asking for when He asks us to have faith.  I think too often I confuse faith with perfection…and boy, I can not be perfect no matter how I try.  I think that if I have a doubt or if I am confused that I’m not having “faith” or “trusting God”.  But what about that amazing faith chapter I am always reading?  I seem to remember Abraham having a son with another woman because God wasn’t acting fast enough and Sarah laughing when God told her she would have a baby.  And yet “by faith” they had a son!  They did it!  They didn’t even do it perfectly and yet it still counted as trusting God in His book.  So for me, it often comes down to  declaring things to myself…like singing “I trust in You, I don’t need to understand” and knowing that THAT is me having faith.

“I Trust In You” was most definitely born out of a deep cry of my heart.  It is me saying to God “I WANT to trust in You fully…I so much desire to not be controlled by fear, but by faith in YOU.”  It came out of  a heart that has spent much time feeling confused and deeply shaken.  It is a step of faith, deciding that He is in control, that He is the only one who is worthy of my attention (instead of the scary things on the news, the worry about people I care about, and the fears about the future), and that HE has got this.  Because I most certainly do not “got this”!

I Trust In You

I will live by faith and not by sight
I won’t lean on my strength but on your might
And I may not comprehend but I love your ways
And when the darkness closes in I won’t be afraid 

I trust in you
When the troubled waters rise
I trust in you
You are always on my side
I trust in you
I don’t need to understand
I trust in you
I am safe in your hands 

In the midst of the madness this world brings
I will lift my voice and I will sing
Because you are the only one who is worthy of my gaze
I fix my eyes on you and I won’t be afraid 

Some trust in chariots and some trust in horses
But we trust in your great name
We will rise up and stand in your victory
And we will never be put to shame